Dealing With Grief

Today, I am aching.

From the inside out. 

I hurt in a way that I am just not used to hurting.  Yet, I am thankful and humbled that I have had 31 years with one of the most amazing women on the planet.  I could say that she changed my life, but really she helped to shape it.  She was like a rudder on my ship, and her strength and fortitude helped me stay the course. 
She survived the Great Depression, war, divorce, racism, sexism and raising three children as a single mother. 

But she didn't just survive, she lived. 

In my thirty one years, I've never seen her bitter   She never complained that life was not fair.  She squared her shoulders, bowed her knees, and embraced us tenderly.  Her ninety five years were marked with dertermination, sacrifice, joy and love. 
She was also an entreprenuer.  She owned and operated a very successful dry cleaners in the heart of a thriving community, in a time when women were not afforded such opportunities. 
Even in her last years, she was full of spunk, and tenacity.  Her wit was just as quick as it ever was, and her eyes still shined brightly.
She was well loved and will be celebrated by many.

So, yes, my heart is heavy, but I am not overcome.  Her legacy goes on and all of the things she built with wisdom, remain until this day.  She also knew Jesus, and I am comforted as I remember that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  I know she is in that great cloud of witnesses, cheering me on as I run this race that is set before me.

Moving Right Along

WOW!!!
It has been very long since I last blogged.  But I have lots of good news to report.
I am moving right along through my reading list, I even read a couple of extra books that weren't on the list.
My home is a happier place.  We also started having family game/movie night. 

And my fat jeans are once again, my fat jeans!!

I must admit, in the beginning some of these things seemed sooooo tedious. but now it seems like I have acquired some discipline and formed new habits.  But I still have 9 mos to go.

Laziness

Laziness. Hmm. Seems simple enough. Or so I thought.

I like to work and enjoy starting new projects.  The worse thing anyone could've called me is lazy.  And if they had, I wouldn't have believed them.

Then, the light came on.  Laziness isn't not wanting to do work (that is part of it). Biblical laziness is starting and not finishing. OUCH!!!

Guilty as charged.

Let me show you what I mean:

The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold; therefore shall he beg in harvest, and have nothing.(Proverbs 20:4)

The slothful man saith, There is a lion without, I shall be slain in the streets. (Proverbs 22:13)

The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious. (Proverbs 12:27)

Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord...So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' "His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.  (Matthew 25:25-27 (New International Version)

You see, in all of these examples, the sluggard (lazy person), did something. But they had excuses that kept them from finishing what they started. 

When I read these verses, I could easily recall all of the things I began but had yet to complete. 

But just like with anything else, we can go to God and ask for forgiveness and help to do better.

So I prayed "Lord, forgive me for being lazy. Help me not to make excuses, but rather to be the finisher that you created me to be in Christ. Thank You!"

It is just that simple. Then He will give you wisdom and whatever else you need to be a finisher.

We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

Hebrews 6:11-13 (New International Version)

Old Habits Die Hard

It is so often said that old habits die hard. And  I'll be among the first to admit, there are habits that don't go down without a fight. 

That being said, I think that old adage is really just another excuse.  

An excuse is simply this: a plan to fail. When we make excuses we have an expectation of failure and the excuse is the justification for that failure.  An excuse is contingency plan for failure.  

But back to these old habits...if a new habit can be formed in 21 days, and a new habit can replace an old one, wouldn't it be safe to conclude that an old habit can die in 21 days?

I put this theory to the test. Today is day 22. I have had 22 days to form new habits.  So far, I am drinking a liter a day, preparing meals and clothes ahead of time, spending dedicated time alone with God, reading at least 2 books per month, etc.  Some habits I am still working on, but what I learned is this.  The habits that you could see on the outside, were nothing compared to the most important habit of all.  My pattern of thinking. I heard someone say that those who make excuses are prone to failure.  I believe that is because people who make excuses forecast failure in their minds. 

As I've said in previous blogs, there are days when excuses flow like a river. Well, for the last 22 days, I created a new habit of not using excuses.  My internal monologue no longer regards excuses as valid.  I see myself finishing strong.

 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phil 4:8

The Power of Imagination-Pt 2

This thing called imagination is far more powerful than we had ever considered.

If we are going to succeed or fail, we first imagine it.

If you consider people like Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Barbara Askins and Dr. Charles Drew, you can see that they first had an idea and imagined it into reality.   Now, please don't misunderstand, it also requires lots of hard work, and an unwillingness to quit, no matter what.  But determination and intense effort are only part of the equation.

  If I am going to finish strong this year, I cannot be what I call a firecracker.  You start out bright, then fizzle out and cannot be lit again.  So in order to avoid the fizzle out, you have to ,(as my pastor put it), retool and refuel.
Many Christians can look back at past failures and assume it was a faith failure or that they didn't hear from God correctly.  For many of us, a little imagination and perseverance has been the missing part.

Good but Not Perfect

Today was a good day.

I woke up. Read my bible, got ready, made breakfast, had fun with the girls, did some work, and went on through the list of things to get done in a day.  Now, I have been following my chore schedule and today was cleaning LT's room and the hallway.  LT has grown some, so part of cleaning his room today included putting away clothes that are too small and taking out the next size up. And taking out toys that he is now old enough to play with.

 

.  So...also on my list of resolutions was to find someway to manage my digital media and photos.  Well, I printed out some pictures to scrapbook, I bought a few scrapbooking supplies. And that is as far as I have  gotten.  Today, while I was cleaning his room, I found some empty picture frames. Then I got the idea to scrapbook a couple pages and put them in a frame.  I only had a short time to do it, so I hurried and put something together.

Then I put a scripture on his wall.  When I finished I stepped back and looked..

 

This is usually the point where I then notice that my letters aren't even, and I could have been more creative with the shadow box. Normally this would send me into a tizzy where I obsess over small details until I have spent all my time on one project and the end result is that I am still less than satisfied and also frustrated that I didn't get more done.  Then I realized, so often my motivation is killed by being a perfectionist.

Okay, so it wasn't perfect, but it was good.  

Achieving our goals is not about lowering the bar or the standard.  But sometimes, for some people, like me, who are perfectionists, you have to set standards that are doable and not dazzling.  I am often my harshest critic. 

We have to learn to let ourselves off the hook.

So today to make peace with myself, I decided that it was good, and if I still wanted to change it next week, I could do that.  I was still motivated afterward and kept moving along. 

The Power of Imagination- Pt 1

Ever since I was the age of my daughters, I can recall having a very persuasive realization that world was an incredibly big place.  In my heart, I knew that there had to be something more, something greater than what rested within the confines of my cozy little neighborhood.  And I longed to look into it.  My heart ached for things I knew nothing of, and had not seen.  When I heard stories of places far, far away they seemed more real to me than the four walls of my bedroom. 
I was quite imaginative.   Soon, as I got older, I began to overhear things on the news or things adults would discuss in my hearing that they erroneously believed I had no interest in, and just like that, my imagination developed a new dimension.  I soon discovered that just as I could imagine strange and wonderful kingdoms where princesses used pink parasols to shield themselves from sprinkles and glitter raining from the sky, I could also imagine someone breaking in during the middle of the night and hurting me and taking all of my favorite books and toys.
And for years, I had allowed my imagination to imagine more bad than good.  I imagined that right after training I would probably start to hate my job.  I imagined that a certain professor thinks I am stupid.  I even imagined probable conversations that people were having about me while they were staring at me.
Then I had my children.  From at least 18 mos, children begin to engage in pretend play.  Their imagination is evidently at work.  The more I watched them and pretended with them a light came on for me.  
I realized that first and foremost, God gave us imaginations.  A way in which to conceive ideas for the purpose of working in tandem with our faith.  But like with anything, He said "I have before you life and death."  He goes on to say that we have to choose which one we allow to operate in our lives.  For so long, I imagined death.  I would hear a sound in the middle of the night and imagine it was someone breaking in, and I would begin to imagine how I would get away or fight back.  Now, if I hear a sound, I imagine it is one of the angels that God has assigned to assist me as an heir of salvation, and that hearken unto the voice of His commands, and that bear me up in their hands lest I dash a foot against a stone.  Now in all reality, the sound was probably ice in the icemaker, or the dog on the deck.
But if our imaginations are going to run wild, make sure they are running in the right direction.